🫣 Sam Joins a Gang

Namaste, this is the doodhwala, the only crypto newsletter that feels like a Rohit Shetty movie.

💣 ka-booom 💣

We’ve got big-name stars, great comedy, and insane action but more importantly…we have things blowin’ up everywhere.

💣 walks away in style as a bus blows up in the back 💣

Here’s the BOMB menu for today:

• Yo SBF! We’ve got some JAIL time tips

• Find your STARTUP idea

• The Einsteins of Hacking

• Crypto Doodhshots: Kraken OUT + Coinbase DOWN

• Milky Meme Of The Day

Yo SBF! We’ve got some JAIL time tips

SBF is in the US and he’s this 🤏 close to getting some jail time.

We’re all going like:

But picture this:

A 5’9, curly-haired, slightly chubby vegan altruist, addicted to drugs and weird orgies walks into jail.

He’s surrounded by hardened criminals like:

• murderers

• bank robbers

• gang members and mobsters

• milk spoilers (IT’S A SERIOUS CRIME OKAY!!).

How do you think that’ll turn out?

So naturally, some crypto bros who’ve spent time in jail are givin to SBF.

One, in particular, is Martin Shkreli, the pharma bro who jacked up the price of a medicine by 6,000% for the lulz.

The dude’s got the same SBF energy. And he’s got advice for SBF, which is:

🦹🏽‍♂️ Join a GANG👨🏻‍🦲 Shave your head🎙 Deepen your voice🤙🏿 Listen to RAP music

Not bad advice considering SBF is the prime target for anyone looking for a quick meal in the pen. Might be some FTX investors there too. 🫢

Another piece of advice Martin gave to Sam (talk about scamster leading the scamster) was changing up his background story.

So, Sam we’ll help you here too! 🤝

Here’s a quick-fire background story ← SWAP → that won’t get you 🔪 in Jail:

1️⃣

← Born in Stanford California

→ Born in Vallejo, California (less than 70 miles apart)

From, “Yeah, hello there, Sam here, from a rich white neighbourhood and my parents are both corporate lawyers”

To, “Yo, what’s up esse, me? I’m from the Vallejo hood down! Ain’t got no parents man, grew up on my lonesome!”

2️⃣

← Went to MIT In Boston, Massachusetts

→ Went from California to Boston to dominate the the East Coast rap scene!

3️⃣

← Founded Alameda Research and FTX, both crypto trading companies

→ Founded Alameda Records and FTX or Fu-Tang-Xang, both dope East 🤝 West Coast rap groups

3️⃣

← Landed in jail for billion-dollar fraud of normal people

→ Landed in jail for doing drugs, adultery, and not payin taxes to the government

Let's face it, Sam, jail is gonna be difficult for you! Might as well spin up a nice story to save your behind.

I mean, you spun up FTX's deposits and fooled investors, customers, and even policymakers.

So fooling criminals shouldn't be that right for a criminal. ✌️

Find Your Web3 Startup Idea

There is a viral bug going around rn. 🤒

You might also be exposed to it.

The symptoms include:

• Constantly thinking about new side projects

• No sleep during nights and weekends

• Trying to find other people to work with for your projects

If you have these then we hate to break it to you…you have the BUIDLer bug. ⚒

But one issue you might have is figuring out what to BUIDL next. 🤔

And we just might have something to help you. 😉

This concrete document by AllianceDAO has a bunch of web3 startup ideas that are yet to be built.

Ideas like building fully onchain games, web3 WhatsApp, smart contract co pilot, etc. 📚

So check it out! (It's absolutely FREE!)

2 Doodh, 1 Paani token

Alright, here’s a little game for you doodhwala degens. 😉

We have 3 crypto tokens below.

2 of them are REAL tokens from REAL projects.

1 of them doesn’t exist at all.

😮

Can you guess which is the FAKU token? 💰

1. $NIMB (Nimbu Paani?)

2. $NYAPE (New York Ape?)

3. $PAANI (Paani Puri?)

(REPLY and let us know)

The answer to this is given at the end of the email. ⬇️

KIM Impossible: A new way to get scammed

Remember the North Korean hacking group, Lazarus?

It's the same group that attacked people by:

• approaching people for jobs

• getting them to download a PDF document

• hacking their computers

😡

Back then, we thought that was a new and innovative way to get hacked.

But wait till you find out about their new strategy (they are Einstein-ing this thing 😅).

The hackers are now posing as VCs. 😱

Yup from Founders → VCs

Where have we seen this move before? 🤔

VCs are Venture Capitalists…you know…the people who love to talk money LITERALLY everywhere. (weddings, funerals, kids’ birthday parties, EVERYWHERE!)

So here’s how the North Koreans did it:

• Created tons of fake domain names which impersonated a VC company (like doodhventures.capital 🤷‍♂️)

• Sent emails to crypto companies telling them they wanna invest 💰

• Attached a PPT about their awesome “investment firm” with links to these fake domains 🛑

• When founders opened this domain, they would begin their attack and collect the info

💀

As if fundraising wasn’t hard enough already, now founders have to worry about getting hacked while looking for investors.

😭

The hackers seem to be targeting the Japanese market because most of the fake domains are created as 🇯🇵 companies.

Have a look 👇

According to South Korean spy agencies, North Korean hackers have stolen close to $1.2 billion in digital assets since 2017.

$1.2 BILLION!!

Fun fact: That’s more than the market cap of Compound, Sushiswap, Optimism and Aptos combined. 🤯

These hackers have also found a way to get past the message that pops up on Windows when downloading a potentially malicious file.

Yeah. They are getting bolder, stronger, and sharper (are they drinkin’ Horlicks or something??)

It’s about time a crypto Batman rises up to stop this and save our asses and 💰💰💰

Crypto Doodhshots: Kraken OUT + Coinbase DOWN

😴 I’m bored

Bitcoin whales aren’t trading any Bitcoin anymore. Trading activity has reached its lowest since 2020. Are whales going back to HODL mode?

👋 Goodbye Japan

Crypto exchange, Kraken, is shutting down its operations in Japan next year. With also no FTX, Binance is set to take over a HUGE chunk of that market.

😢 Coinbase is down real bad

The company’s stock, COIN, has fallen to a new all-time low. The low trading activity during the holidays has also affected the S&P index.

🙌 All-time high

The NFT collection, Pudgy Penguin, breaks all-time high prices as the floor price rises to break the frickin’ ceiling.

💰 Dodging Bankruptcy

Crypto mining firm, Argo Blockchain, is skipping out on going bankrupt with a big money investment from Galaxy Digital. The firm is investing almost $100 million into the company.

Milky Meme Of The Day

💰 Answer 💰

If you want more doodh then, be sure to follow our Twitter (@DoodhwalaDaily)

That’s all for today bhaiyo aur bheno! Naale Sigona!

Aakash "Dahi Cheeni" Athawasya & Arvind "Doodh Peda" Krishna

Yo! Our legal and financial advisors (aka our good ol’ conscience) have asked us to add this boring disclaimer.

None of what you read here is financial advice. We aren’t here to get you to buy or sell a crypto. We’re only here to tell you what’s up in crypto today and make you laugh. So, if you screwed up on a trade, that’s on you G. Stay safe in the markets.