🇺🇸 Crypto Crook to US President

Gm this is the doodhwala, the only crypto newsletter that gives you the same feeling as having a whole row to yourself on the plane. ✈️

I can go to the bathroom whenever I want. 🤌

Here’s what we got for you today:

• 💰 Big Crypto Network: JP Morgan Has Built A New Blockchain Network

• 🇺🇸 Sam Bankman Potus? : Sam Bankman Fried Wanted To Run For President

• 📈 Cheese and Charts: Bitcoin Dominance Rises

• 🛠️ Resourcewala: DIY Blockchain

• 🍼 Doodhshots: Thai Sex Worker Scandal

💰️ Big Banks Are Transacting Big Crypto

You know crypto adoption is scary.

When the Bois with the big money begin to transact. 😳

We're talking about the bois at JP Morgan, and how the hell they've been able to build a new way for institutions—

To leverage blockchain tech to make superfast transactions that are ACTUALLY safe.

Don’t worry, this ain’t somethin’ that normal fellers like You and I can use. 🤭

But rather meant for institutions to transfer huge sums of money on a regular basis.

They’re kinda like Fight Club – You’re not welcome unless you’re part of the club.🙅‍♂️

1️⃣ Say hello to the “Tokenized Collateral Network”

The export milk from Milan drinkers have introduced a new product into the market called the ‘Tokenized Collateral Network’ or ‘TCN’.

It’s less blockchain, but more just a clever system of transferring assets. 😮

How does one use TCN?

• Step 1: Submit an Asset to JP Morgan

• Step 2: Pledge Asset as collateral

• Step 3: Display Allegiance to the Owl gods

• Step 4: Transfer the collateral contract to another entity

• Step 5: Release the Asset when the contract is returned

There must’ve been a mistake on one of those steps fo sho! 🤔

Think of it in the same way Liquid Staking on Ethereum, but like, in millions & billions. 🤑

2️⃣ Barclay’s begins the Institutional Matrix

Alright so this super hi-fi network just had its debut transaction done—

And the recipients?

None other than BlackRock and Barclay’s. 👀

So we guess this network really is just a way for the global Matrix to function faster—

Not us peasants to thrive. 🤣

Get ready to dodge some frikkin bullets from the matrix. 💀

️3️⃣ Should we be scared of institutional usage of crypto?

Remember when we wrote about Onyx?

The native token for JP Morgan?

That was Step one of them officially entering crypto.

But that was just one way to see if they could actually penetrate the market. 🤔

Now that TCN has debuted on the market, there is a good chance that the use cases CAN trickle down for regular users.

Use cases like:

• Hi-speed transactions and settlement

• Non-banking hour transaction fulfillment

• Tokenized Collateral >> Unsecured debts from banks

And we know, using this feature if it actually launches to the public sounds too Orwellian 💀.

But hey, everything you want to achieve is on the other side of fear doodh! 🤷‍♂️

Just give it a shot!

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🇺🇸 The Next President Was Gonna be SBF?

Top of the morning mate!

A really big news came out yesterday.

And no, it's not about Bitcoin going to 100k or 1M by the end of the week.

Me👇 when any Twitter influenza gives targets like these☝️

It's about Sam Bankman-Fried, aka SBF. 🌟

So we all know SBF’s trial is going on but there are so many things to discuss so today we’re gonna do just that.

What's Going On... 🍿

1. SBF thought about stopping Alameda before the FTX downfall. 😲

2. SBF wanted to become the US President.

3. Even though Caroline Ellison was the CEO, SBF was the one making big decisions at Alameda.

And if this was not enough SBF told her ex-girlfriend Caroline to take billions of dollars from FTX’s customers.

Let’s break all it down real quick:

Written back in September 2022, a draft of a tweet thread has been found that reveals Sam was thinking of shutting down Alameda Research, a sister hedge fund of FTX. 🤯

And just two months later, FTX went to shit.💨

Coincidence? We think not. 🕵️‍♂️

The thread also mentioned why Sam thought of closing Alameda. Main reasons?

1. Running it was super costly. 💸

2. It wasn't making enough money to justify its existence. 😓

The thread even went on to say that Alameda’s on-exchange trading became “less important” over the years due to the rise of sophisticated liquidity providers. 📊

So, was shutting it down a strategic move or a desperate attempt to dodge a bullet? 🤷‍♂️

Witness Time! 🕵️‍♂️

Caroline Ellison, Alameda’s former CEO and Sam's ex, spoke her heart out in court.

Like she wasn’t allowed to talk when she was with SBF. Toxic SBF, huh!

• She said the company played with its financial records to look good to investors.

• She also said that under Sam's orders, Alameda borrowed a whopping $14 billion from FTX customers.

• And they used $10 billion of that to pay back their lenders. "He told me to do this," she said.

Caroline also shared some personal experiences.

And no it was not about SBF being good or bad in bed.

She said Sam dreamt of becoming the U.S. president.

Wait I’ll give you a sec to read that again.

After their breakup, they still worked together at Alameda and FTX till November 2022.

She confessed to doing wrong things at Alameda because Sam told her to.

As of now, Sam's lawyers haven't questioned Caroline. They seem to be trying to shift some blame from Sam to her.

But Sam says he's innocent. Like we believe you mfer.

📈 Cheese and Charts: Who’s Beating Bitcoin?

Bitcoin, the OG crypto, is flexing its muscles again.

It’s sitting pretty with a 47% dominance.

Bitcoin Dominance? 🤔

Nope, it's not about Bitcoin being the toxic partner in a so-called serious relationship.

It's a metric that shows Bitcoin's market cap as a percentage of the total crypto market cap.

That means almost half of the entire crypto market value is just... Bitcoin. Insane.

While most altcoins (that's all the coins other than Bitcoin) have been having a bit of a sad month, some are out there throwing a party! 😢

The numbers don't lie:

📌 $BCH: +18%

📌 $SOL: +18%

📌 $TON: +13%

📌 $LINK: +21%

So, what do you think? Are these tokens just having a moment, or are they here to stay? 🤷‍♂️

REPLY and let us know👇

P.S. Don’t know about those falcons but we definitely are here to stay. 🥛 

🛠 Resourcewala: Building a Blockchain SUPER Quick

You know that friend who flexes about his 2-hour workout? 🏋️‍♂️

Well, you can build a blockchain in less time than that.

Yep, under 15 MINUTES! 😲 We ain’t kidding.

I mean why scroll Insta reels or binge some Netflix when you can, you know, CREATE A WHOLE BLOCKCHAIN. 🚀

In today’s dope resource, we break it down:

• Can it even work properly in such a short time?

• Step-by-step breakdown (obviously!)

• The tools and hacks to speed it up! ⚒️

READ TIME: Faster than your pizza delivery! 🍕

LFG! 🔥🔥🔥

🍼 Doodhshots: Thai Sex Worker Scandal

• 😌 Ranting Relief: Caroline Ellison said that it was a relief that she didn’t have to lie anymore because Sam asked her to. She got the forbidden therapist.

• 🥷 Hamas Funding: The Hamas group has received over $41 million in crypto donations over the last year. And we thought Russia was tough.

• 🥃 Unstable Stablecoin: Real Estate backed and yield-generating stablecoin USDR has de-pegged and is trading at $0.50. There’s no such thing as a STABLEcoin.

• 💋 Prostitute Payments: Caroline claimed that Sam used the wallets of Thai sex workers to unfreeze funds for a Chinese official. Ayo, this just keeps getting weird lmao.

• ⭐ Arena Recovers: Stars Arena has recovered over 90% of their stolen funds after they offered a bounty program. Time to get back to pumping transactions it is.

🤣 Milky Meme Of The Day

If you want more doodh then, be sure to follow our Twitter, LinkedIn, and Instagram.

That’s all for today folks! See ya tomorrow!

Yo! Our legal and financial advisors (aka our good ol’ conscience) have asked us to add this boring disclaimer. None of what you read here is financial advice. We aren’t here to get you to buy or sell crypto. We’re only here to tell you what’s up in crypto today and make you laugh. So, if you screwed up on a trade, that’s on you G. Stay safe in the markets.

Today’s edition was brought to you by Ritik Gupta and Sumanth

Edited by: Arvind Krishna and Aakash Athawasya