👨‍🦲 The Mysterious Case of $BALD

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Gm, this is doodhwala, the UFC of crypto newsletters. We’re fun, entertaining and a WHOLE LOTTA controversial. 😎

Here’s what we got for you today—

• 👨‍🦲 BALD: Bald. Everything about it.

• 🔒 Locked up! Is Sam Bankman Fried finally going to jail?

• 📈 Cheese and Charts: When will crypto payments become a thing?

• 🛠️ Resourcewala: What the heck are Security Tokens?

• 🍼 Doodhshots: Coinbase L2s are stacking up!

👨‍🦲The Mysterious Case of $BALD

One weekend.

One weekend is all you need to become a millionaire in crypto now. 🤑

And last weekend, someone did become a millionaire. With just $500.

The cope is outta this world. 🥲

We’re talking about the new $BALD token, meme-d after Bald Folk. 👨‍🦲

WTF is it?

Why did it become viral AND controversial overnight?

Bring out those razors, coz it’s time to get BALD.🪒

1️⃣ WTF is $BALD?

$BALD = Bald. 👨‍🦲

That’s probably all it is. 💀

Another crappy meme token that will not last very long. 🙅

But BALD took off over the weekend—

Giving more than 4 million % returns in less than 48 hours of mint for its investors.

(Punches air profusely)

The stupidest part of this token?

It’s on a chain that you can’t even bridge out of. 🤣🤣🤣

A.K.A, deposit crypto and swap to $BALD, and swap back—

But no way to remove it back to your own chain. 🥲

And what is this chain called? - It’s called the BASE chain.

Where can you swap this? - Leet Swap.

Don’t worry if you haven’t heard those names. Coz they’re all new. And they’re all shady af. 🥷

For now tho, look at that fuggin chart. 👇

2️⃣ The $BALD millionaire.

Imagine waking up one morning after investing $500 on a random 💩-coin—

And realizing you’re now a millionaire. 🤑

That’s exactly what happened to a trader who goes by the handle cheatcoiner.eth.

Now this doodh, although sus on how he found out about the coin tho—

Brought 2% of the coin for $500 when the market cap of the coin was less than $50k. 😮

Where is it right now?

Over 50 million in market cap.

And the crypto Twitter (We don’t call it ‘X’ here) is all set to push it to $100 million very soon. 😱

He’s sitting with over a million dollars in profit right now.

Check out the token details here.

3️⃣ The problems with $BALD.

To understand the problems with $BALD, we need to understand the problems with its chain—

The BASE chain.

Base chain is a newly launched chain built on optimism and incubated by Coinbase. (🌶️)

Here’s where it gets extremely spicy tho! 🥵

The largest whale for the $BALD token has deployed purchases through $cbETH.

$cbETH is the Coinbase variant of staked ETH.

A lot of on-chain data suggests that this could be an insider in Coinbase who is trying to move money onto a random 💩-coin.

And the conspiracy bois are pointing out that it could be Brian himself.👨‍🦲

And that ain’t the only problem with this token. 👎

Since it’s built on a new chain,

There is currently no way to bridge out any profits that you make on this investment/trade.

So why the frick are people ape-ing into the token? 🤡

Who dafaq knows?

Insiders? Degens? Memecoin gang? Professional investor?

Everybody’s welcome to this 💩-show.

Doodhwala’s take: Shiny token does not mean shiny profits.

Sometimes, you gotta let shiny things be shiny. ✨

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💀 SBF Going to Jail

Sam Bankman-Fried aka SBF.

No, it’s not another unhealthy fried dish.

It’s the guy who started FTX and scammed the shit outta everyone. 😖

If you want to read about the downfall of FTlX, here’s everything we wrote about it.

Once a billionaire, Sam’s been living mostly in his parents' house in Palo Alto, California.

He's been under house arrest since December 2022.

Here's a crazy fact → His bail is set at $250 million. 😲

He had a little vacay in the Bahamas, but they extradited him. 🏖️✈️

So, here’s the thing.

Sam, is up for a fraud trial in October 2023, and the prosecutors are arguing he needs to be put behind bars already cuz he's trying to strong-arm witnesses. 💪

How? Well, there was a leak of some documents. 📝

These papers were from his ex-girlfriend, Caroline Ellison, talking about things before FTX went down. 😳

Sam showed these to a reporter from the New York Times. 🗞️

The big bosses at the U.S. Attorney's office in Manhattan didn't like that.

They said he was trying to scare the people who would be witnesses at his trial. 😱

The prosecutors made it clear: Sam can talk to the press, but he can't influence witnesses or mess with a fair trial.👩‍⚖️

His spokesperson hasn't said a word, and his lawyers have until August 1 to respond. 🗓️

But Sam's side says he's just trying to protect his good name. 👌

But the people prosecuting him don't believe that.

They think he's trying to mess with the trial. 😬

Wtf did he do tho? 🕵️‍♀️

The people at the court say that Sam took a lot of money from FTX customers to cover his losses at his hedge fund, Alameda Research, where Ellison was the boss.

Ellison said she was "unhappy" at her job and felt "hurt" after breaking up with Sam.

She already pleaded guilty to fraud charges and will testify against Sam at the upcoming trial. 👩‍⚖️

She also claimed in court last December that Sam and other FTX top execs pocketed billions in hidden loans from Alameda.

Two other people who used to work at FTX have also said they're guilty and will help the prosecutors. 🤝👨‍⚖️

Sam's trial is on October 2nd, and the prosecutors want him to stay in jail until then. 🗓️

May god be NOT with SBF.

Doodhwala’s Take:

To sum it up, people should know that there's more to crypto than just money and computers.

Like one of the things is doodh.🥛

📈 Cheese and Charts: Wen Crypto Payments?

Crypto payments are here to stay. 💪

We can’t get rid of it the same way we can’t get rid of the Oatmilk drinkin’ folk. 🤢

But the question for the future is —

When will crypto payments become a thing? 🤔

I mean, the benefits are evident. So when will it become mainstream?

To get an answer to this, the bois at Ripple chugged some fresh cow milk and did a survey with payments leaders across the globe. 🌎

They surveyed—

• Over 300 leaders.

• From 45 countries.

• Covering 70+ Business lines.

And the evidence that they got from the survey paints a bright future for crypto payments with businesses and merchants. 😮

Here’s what they were able to find out👇

👉 Over 97% believed crypto will have a significant role in enabling faster payments in the next 3 years.

👉 >50% believed that most merchants will accept crypto as payment within 1-3 years. ⚡

👉 More than 87% stated that crypto will cut the costs of transactions and have faster payments.

And this differs based on region. 📌

Almost 8% of APAC responses stated that crypto integration will never be a thing. ☹️

What do you think of this survey? Will crypto payments skyrocket soon?🚀

Hit reply and let us know what you think! 👇

🛠 Resourcewala: The Security Token Takeover

If you've ever thought "why can't we tokenize traditional assets?", then bro, do we have a read for you! 🤯

This is for those who believe in a world where investments ain't just stock and bonds, but a whole slew of digitized assets. 🌐

We're talking about Security Tokens, and it seems like they're here for the long haul. If your mind is a pool of confusion right now, don't sweat it. 🥵 We've got your back!

Today’s resource covers:

• What the heck are Security Tokens? 🧐

• Traditional Asset Tokenization? 🤨

• How is it happening and who's driving it? 👀

LFG! 🔥🔥🔥

🍼 Doodhshots: Coinbase Stacks the Base

• 🥊 Crypto Battle: Ukraine flexes its crypto muscles with a $225M fund to fend off Russian invasion. But wait, donations have hit a stalemate. Can we push again?

• 🏛️ Metaversal Museum: The British Museum steps into the future, prepping its debut in 'The Sandbox' Metaverse. Get your virtual tickets, mates!

• 💼 Locked and Loaded: Coinbase's L2 Network surpasses a whopping $10M in total locked value. Locked, stocked and ready to rocket!

• 🐕 Bye Bye Meme: Shibarium Blockchain's Ethereum bridge opens for testing, as SHIB barks away from its meme coin tag. Going legit, Fido?

• 📈 Maker's Money Mover: Maker surges, drawing eyes to its hefty $1.73 billion T-Bill stash amidst rate hikes. Makin' it rain, are we?

🤣 Milky Meme Of The Day

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That’s all for today folks! See ya tomorrow!

Yo! Our legal and financial advisors (aka our good ol’ conscience) have asked us to add this boring disclaimer. None of what you read here is financial advice. We aren’t here to get you to buy or sell crypto. We’re only here to tell you what’s up in crypto today and make you laugh. So, if you screwed up on a trade, that’s on you G. Stay safe in the markets.

Today’s edition was brought to you by Ritik Gupta and Sumanth

Edited by: Arvind Krishna and Aakash Athawasya